2025 Week 12: Possessed By The Owl
All my work deadlines were moved up a day because of all the Thanksgiving Day games, so this week’s dispatch will be a very clipped version. I would love to wax poetic on several Weird Things, but there simply isn’t time. It’s 10:30 PM on Tuesday, and tomorrow I will be driving and doing shit all day, so this is my only window.
As such, I will do what they call “emptying the notebook,” where you dump a bunch of the half-formed ideas you jotted down out on the page. Any time something pops in my head that I want to write about, I open the note I keep on my phone as a mental repository. This is a mixture of both personal and work stuff, so flipping through it is an exploration of both the professional and bizarre. Many of those ideas eventually get worked through and written into things. Some don’t, either because I have yet to make them work, the time to use them hasn’t been right, or I just haven’t gotten to them. So here is a list of things my brain thought were important enough to save and come back to:
“‘I used to fuck guys like you in prison’ - holy shit”
The quote is from Roadhouse, said by the main enforcer of the movie’s bad guy while he’s fighting Patrick Swayze. I can’t remember exactly what I wanted to do with that, but I do remember thinking it was the most insane shit anyone could ever say to you in a fight.
That is both confusing AND intimidating, because you don’t know if he’s saying you’re attractive- like his type- or if he was just fucking guys in prison that happened to look like you and now he’s got a craving again. Either way, it’s not something someone who DOESN’T plan on fucking you says.
“Mack Hollins can blow me”
This is related to Mack Hollins going full ALPHA about how not wearing shoes makes him manlier than the rest of America.
“The pussification of America. People are so soft now. Like bro, do something hard for once. It’s not even hard to wear no shoes… walking into games, no matter what, I have to be barefoot.”
I might still come back to that one. It’s the weirdest fucking take- wearing shoes is “easy” so you are a pussy for doing it. Walking around without shoes is “doing something hard,” and Mack Hollins has a bigger dick than you do because he does it sometimes. I would argue that’s more “doing something uncomfortable,” since taking off shoes is so easy, you don’t even need your hands to do it.
“What was Ted Kazinsky’s favorite Pixar movie”
This was when I found out the supermax prison he’s in allows prisoners with good behavior to watch PG movies. I remember having a really good idea for assigning each movie to an inmate based on their crimes, but I just haven’t had the time. The guy who kidnapped those women in Ohio and held them in his house is in that prison, and Beauty and the Beast seems like something he would like.
“Total margin of defeat 17 points, six of which was return TD”
No idea. Pretty sure that was a work thing. Hope I used it correctly.
“Hurts cannot fuck with Man/Match”
Definitely a work thing. Talking about how teams are switching to a man/match cover concept on third-down passing situations against the Eagles. Since Hurts is terrible against zone coverage, but Brown and Smith are beasts against man, teams are using match to disguise their coverage. Essentially showing man at the line, and sticking with it even if there’s pre-snap motion, but once the play starts, they shift into zone match, so Hurts’ reads are all scrambled. Even the guy who went in motion slides into a zone on that side of the field and everyone else shifts to accommodate. Pretty interesting if you are into that sort of stuff.
“The Quad Cities are underwhelming.”
I mean, they are.
That was part of a larger idea about places with sick ass names that absolutely don’t deserve them, and finding better names for them. Never came back to it.
“1,601”
Your guess is as good as mine.
“Then you will wake up and realize the world turns just fine without you.”
Just a quote I heard and liked. I think it was about retiring, or being fired, and how strange it feels to see everything continue on without you as though you were never there at all. Which it always does.
“why does he look like he’s trying? he’s supposed to be sad”
Who, specifically, I was talking about is now lost to me, but I know it was a quarterback on one of these shitty NFL teams this year. There was some play before halftime where it was third and long, and they cut to him passionately changing the play at the line as though it was the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Why was he so invested? I’m sad when I think about you, you should be sad to be you.
“Someone here is possessed by an owl”
This one is my favorite. I have absolutely no idea what the fuck it means or refers to, and there are no notes around it that help. It’s just there. I don’t know if I thought that, or if someone else said it, or what. But man I wish I knew where the fuck that was supposed to go.
“Sinugator
PillCrusher
HydraGlyde”
I was high in a Walgreens and started jotting down any product name that sounded like an off-brand superhero. I was gonna assemble a whole weird ass Justice League out of them but then my prescription was ready.
Season Power Rankings
| Team | Rank | Change |
|---|---|---|
| Kyle Luke | #1 | --- |
| Steve Keers | #2 | --- |
| Andrew DeWitt | #3 | --- |
| JJ Bailey | #4 | --- |
| Will Armistead | #5 | ↑1 |
| Ryan Munson | #6 | ↑2 |
| Justin Childs | #7 | ↓-2 |
| Micah Thoman | #8 | ↓-1 |
| Andres Santana | #9 | --- |
| Dan Resnick | #10 | --- |
| Lee Morehouse | #11 | --- |
| Jimmy Slater | #12 | --- |
Strength of Schedule
| Team | Rank | Change |
|---|---|---|
| Steve Keers | #1 | ↑1 |
| Ryan Munson | #2 | ↓-1 |
| Jimmy Slater | #3 | ↑4 |
| Micah Thoman | #4 | ↑2 |
| Lee Morehouse | #5 | --- |
| Will Armistead | #6 | ↓-3 |
| Andres Santana | #7 | ↓-3 |
| Justin Childs | #8 | ↑2 |
| Andrew DeWitt | #9 | --- |
| JJ Bailey | #10 | ↓-2 |
| Dan Resnick | #11 | --- |
| Kyle Luke | #12 | --- |
Playoff Odds
| Team | Odds |
|---|---|
| Kyle Luke | Clinched Division, Playoff Spot |
| Andrew DeWitt | Clinched Playoff Spot |
| JJ Bailey | Clinched Playoff Spot |
| Steve Keers | 97% |
| Justin Childs | 82% |
| Micah Thoman | 74% |
| Will Armistead | 42% |
| Ryan Munson | 3% |
| Andres Santana | 1% |
| Dan Resnick | 1% |
| Jimmy Slater | Eliminated |
| Lee Morehouse | Eliminated |
THE
GAMES
THE GAMES
Kyle Vs. Jimmy (165.9-133.1)
Well, he did it. Kyle locked in his playoff spot. So glad the underdog finally got his day. The Jahmyr Gibbs 61-pointer was really the whole story, since Kyle loses if Gibbs gives him anything less than 29 points, but what did I say last week? Kyle is a have-er. Haver-ers get what they need. So glad the guy with Dak Prescott and Matthew Stafford is finally catching a break.
It’s a shame for Jimmy, whose ghost flight continues toward that mountain, because Kareem Hunt and AJ Brown managed to sync up their cycles and have occasional useful game at the same time. It would have been nice to see that rewarded with an empty win, but that’s coming THIS week, when Jimmy finally gets Joe Burrow back from injury!
Did you know Jimmy has four QBs on his team? He has CJ Stroud, Sam Darnold, Drake Maye (whom he traded for), and Joe Cool. What is the fuckin point? Is he charging rent or something? Giving them Sanctuary so DeWitt can’t pick them up and hurt them? Why is this moribund fantasy team a flop house for mid-level fantasy QBs? These are the questions one asks at an autopsy.
Will Vs. Lee (124.8-84.3)
Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate how sweaty Micah is right now. Will is Michael Myers, with a harpoon through his chest and a screwdriver in his neck, and the whole theater just erupted in cheers after he got hit by a truck. Micah is the lady in the back row yelling, “He’s gonna get up! Hit him again! Why won’t someone do something?!”
Will is now a game back, and were it not for his opting to start Kamara over Judkins, would have his claws around Micah’s playoff spot. Will clipped his own wings by picking the wrong side of a 50-50 coin toss at RB, but thanks to the extreme limitations of the Eagles’ imagination, he got 30 from Jalen Hurts to ensure a head-to-head win.
Now, he has a game against Jimmy’s shambling husk while Micah faces Daniel’s decaying pile of remains in a race to see who can desecrate a corpse the most. Micah is projected to win by like 40, but I promise he will not spend a single second from Thursday-Sunday being normal. Will should turn off his phone if he knows what’s good for him.
I write this at 1:45 p.m. Tuesday, and I think there’s one more trade to be made for Ol’ Willy. He has truly been running through water this season, and even with all his wheelings and dealings, he’s a card short of a full deck. I expect my phone to ring at 11:55 a.m. Wednesday, while I’m driving home to Chicago, and Will to be on the other end with the energy of a scientist in a disaster movie who just made the discovery. You know the guy who bursts into the situation room with papers sticking out of a folder every which way, all rumpled clothes and mania in the eyes, saying, “Mis-TER PRESident, you have to act NOW.” I’m excited about that interaction.
Daniel vs. Andres (88.9-85.2)
This is remarkable only because of what happened to Andres at quarterback. He didn’t start Cam Ward, because, well, you know. He went with JJ McCarthy, who is also a terrible fantasy option, but who feels like a lot safer bet overall. McCarthy can suck, but his floor to this point isn’t nearly as scary as Ward’s.
Also- watching Cam Ward play is a wholly different experience than looking at his stat line. He is so goddamn good. He makes some of the sickest goddamn throws you’ll ever see, and looks so much better at BEING quarterback than the other rookies. But he’s stuck on the shit-ass Titans, throwing to two fourth-round rookies and Van Jefferson. He has no line, his GM is in his first year, and he became the fourth number-one pick in a row to see their head coach fired in their rookie season. His situation is fucking heinous, and that’s such a bummer because he’s so much better to the eye than any first or second-year quarterback right now.
But, he is not viable for fantasy, so Andres benched him and figured 12 from McCarthy was livable. It would have been! But McCarthy, who it should be noted, played an entire NFL game and dropped back 25 times, got zero fucking points. He went 12-for-19 and did NOTHING positive. 87 yards, five sacks, two picks. It was the sixth-worst QB performance of the season by passer rating, but McCarthy now has three of the worst 20 games this year. There’s been roughly 384 games played by QBs this season, and if you isolate the worst five percent of those games, McCarthy is responsible for 15 percent of those. The Vikings might be fucked.
Andres certainly was, since all he needed was four points from his QB slot to win, and it might as well have been a million.
DeWitt Vs. Micah (145.7-134.8)
Micah got the full DeWitt Experience, which consists of a Christian McCaffrey and JSN putting up the best numbers imaginable, then a random number generator picking a third good score from somewhere on the roster. This week, the D/ST got the nod, and DeWitt rolled his way to 145.7 points. It’s an elegant strategy, really. DeWitt only has to care about two games per week, and if the Seahawks and Niners start well, he can go do whatever he likes. If they start slow, he might have to keep an eye out til halftime. That’s it. That’s all he’s obligated to do or care about, which must be so freeing.
Micah was able to get enough points to stay a half step ahead of the reaper, but god this week is gonna be a show. If Dan’s team does anything early, Micah will be in shambles. If Taylor gets a long run, Micah will be posting in the discord about missing the playoffs by the time the extra point is kicked. A Jordan Love TD will have him drafting a will. If he trails by more than 10 points on any of the three days of games, he’ll act like the quartet from Titanic.
He cannot help himself, and I will absolutely spend the long weekend tracking his various states of mental disarray.
JJ vs. Steve (150.5-92.5)
Hell yeah- take THAT, Steve. You tall piece of shit. This victory, which does very little for me in the grand scheme of the season other than increase my odds at a bye, brings me to 6-16 lifetime against Steve. OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.
This breaks Steve’s streak of seven straight victories against me, dating back to 2021. The last time I beat him was Week 3 of that season. Did you know that it took until 2015 for me to beat him at all? He won six straight matchups to open our time together in fantasy football, which is pretty selfish in my opinion. Couldn’t let your buddy have ONE? Just share a little?
Well, those chickens are coming home to roost big fella. I look forward to losing to him by 60 in the playoffs.
Munson Vs. Justin (176-112.1)
Munson Weekly High Score
Well, I am simply shocked. Who could have seen this coming? Surely someone would have mentioned this as a possible consequence of Justin’s actions before now, right? Eh, who can say?
What makes it even more entertaining is that the Eagles were up 21 points in the first half and still gave Saquon Barkley 10 carries all game. They have the guy who rushed for 2,000 yards last year and absolutely NO need to throw the ball, yet still fucked it up. They never scored again, and Justin got blown out by someone who waved the white flag three weeks ago.
Now he, too, can be sweaty for two weeks, as Will sits two wins back from the mighty Chicago Bears. They play at Philly and at Green Bay the final two weeks of the fantasy season, so this should be a super fun, low-stress time for Justin as he desperately tries to find the right three-Bear combo out of the five (five!) he has.
As for Munson, maybe he pulled the ripcord a liiiiittttle early. He’s got 10 wins and is fifth in points scored, and one wonders what the state of things would be had he stayed the course. Of course, half the team is new players, but he’s doing just fine with Kenneth Gainwell and Wan’Dale Robinson so I think maybe he’s just a great locker room guy. Good thing he’s picking up some late wins. Gives him a lot of momentum to carry into next season as the franchise begins its rebuild.
